Tiger Woods

• Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife
• What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards
• Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods’ shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.
• What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He’d gone clubbing
• Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
• This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
• Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
• Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash. He’s still below par though.
• Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Golf Terms

A Paula Radcliff – not pretty but a good runner
A Diego Maradona – a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie – an impossible read
A Rio Ferdinand – Lipped out
A Rock Hudson – thought it was straight, but it wasn’t
A Cuban – needs one more revolution
An Elton John – a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler – two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat – ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett – a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss – bit thin
A Gerry Adams – playing a Provisional
A Glen Miller – kept low and didn’t make it over the water
An Arthur Scargill – a great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King – over-clubbed
An O. J. Simpson – got away with it
A Sally Gunnel – not as ugly as a Paula Radcliff but still a good runner
A Princess Grace – should have taken a driver
A Princess Di – shouldn’t have taken a driver
A Robin Cook – just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson – gradually fading
A Douglas Bader – looked good in the air, but didn’t have the legs
An Arsene Wenger – everyone saw where it went but you
A Ken Livingstone – quite far left
A Jean-Marie LePen – a long way right
A circus tent – a BIG top
An Anna Kournikova – looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones – nasty kick when you’re not expecting it
A Ryanair – flies well but lands a long way from the target

New Golfing Handbook

You might like to keep an eye out for this book when it is published!

Highlights include;
Chapter 1 – How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 – How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough when You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 – How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 – How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 – When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 – When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 – Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 10 – How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 13 – How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 14 – When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 16 – When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round. His friends all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first player says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third man says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for sex or golf,’ and all she said was,…….. ‘You’ll need a sweater……!!!’

Golf Nut Romance

John and Helen met while on holiday, and John fell head over heels ‘in love’ with her. After only a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. he was convinced that it was true love. And so…..on the last night of his holiday, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” John said to his newfound lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”
Helen took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes … You need to know that I’m a hooker.”
“I see”, John replied. “That’s a problem, for sure.”
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, “You know your problem? It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you drive off the tee.”

Dear Deirdre,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.” When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and adjusting her skirt, which was crooked and twisted round. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf pro-shop where I bought it?

Yours sincerely

Paul (Leeds)

Harold and Annette (18)

Harold had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition.

On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Harold congratulated her and paid off his losses.

Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, “You know, Harold, I haven’t enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.” He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he’d ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.

This went on all week, with Harold narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday’s drive home, Harold said, “Annette, you’ve been great to be with all this week and tonight I’d like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?”
Annette burst into tears. “I can’t!”
“What? Why not?” he asked.
“Because,” she sobbed, “I’m in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn’t completed that part of me yet!”
“What?!”

Aghast, Harold swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.
“I’m so sorry, says Annette, “You have a right to be angry with me.”
“You bastard!” Harold screamed, his face bright red. “You cheating bastard! All week long you’ve been playing off the women’s tees!”